Avoidance is the tendency to minimize issues and the reluctance to deal with issues directly. Distortions in seeing the relationship realistically may cause partners to deny or minimize issues. Some may describe the relationship in an overly positive manner and see it through “rose colored glasses”. But couples must see the relationship realistically and deal with issues to be healthy and to grow.
Childhood experiences are the roots of who we become, and these roots continue to produce fruit well into adulthood. This informs the way we respond to others. It sets the pattern for adult relationships.
Because of past experiences, we try to avoid emotional injury in the marriage relationship!
Avoidance strategies that are NOT healthy in a marriage relationship:
- Being Independent and self-reliant
- Have to be good, and avoid trouble by comforting and appeasing
- Continually monitor the moods of those around us in an attempt to keep the peace
- Idealize new relationships, but grow tired of them once real life sets in
- Suppress and refuse to feel negative or vulnerable feelings
- Control by preventing fear, humiliation or helplessness
- Displays anger and intimidation to maintain control
- Stay under the radar, be invisible, hide and appease …escape
- Lack self-worth or personhood
- Superficial conversations
- Minimal affection
- Minimize problems and issues
- Emotions are avoided
- Get over it and move on attitude
Inevitably, avoidance leads to resentment and break down in the relationship. To deal with anxiety, one restricts negative feelings, and suppresses needs. The partner may see this avoidance of feelings as indifference, rejection and emotional distancing.
Couples need to become proficient in communication, conflict resolution and forgiveness. Learning to confront reality straight on is difficult. Couples must learn to let go of past hurts. Forgiveness is the key ingredient for working through issues, hurts, and disappointments.
Healthy strategies for marriage:
- Comfortable with reciprocity, give and take
- Do not idealize or devalue themselves or others.
- Self-awareness and self-reflection
- Able to clearly communicate feelings, needs and wants
- Conflict resolution. Able to make apologies and make good repairs.
- Able to set healthy boundaries. The word NO is a complete sentence.
- Comfortable in new situations and willing to take risks
- Able to delay gratification and able to seek help and comfort
BREAK THE AVOIDANCE CYCLE!
